The last issue of the Alumni Review didn't provide room to broach this subject, so I set it aside for this blog. Julie's experience with the death of her father and the survival of her mom is both touching and full of worthwhile advice for others in the same situation.
She writes: "I continue to deal with the aftermath of my father's death a year ago, and taking care of all of my mother's legal and financial (and emotional) issues. What I can say, for any of you in a similar situation, is that my mother is doing amazingly well because shortly before my father died, they moved from their isolated (but amazing) home into a retirement community in Princeton." The retirement community provided "a dining room, many activities both in the facility and in Princeton town and university, a gym, and a wellness center. So my mother has been able to be in a community, to make many friends and keep herself busy, which I know has greatly contributed to her sense of well-being (and helped me immeasurably)."
Elise and I were both the babies in our families, so we dealt with the loss of our parents years ago. When my father died, my mother continued living in our family home. As years passed, it became more and more burdensome, despite our help. After hearing Julie's comments, I wonder if there is real value in moving both parents into a highly social, assisted living environment well before one of them passes away -- and before they become literally unable to handle the chores and responsibilities associated with living at home.
Lately I have heard numerous stories of parents who resisted moving...and later said they regretted staying in their homes for so long. I have heard of several novel approaches to "assisted living", including a great place in Vermont. A 90-year-old friend (father of friends our age) moved there a year ago, and today he is amazingly rejuvenated.
Many of our friends are struggling with all of this now. The challenges and the questions are all similar from family to family:
- When must parents stop driving (a milestone often imposed by taking away the keys)?
- When to move out of the family home?
- Whether to move in with one of the kids or into a "retirement community". And how to finance it -- perhaps drawing against vital assets, betting on the curve that describes the relationship between dwindling cash and life expectancy? Which will hit zero first?
- How will one parent make out when the other dies or becomes incapacitated?
- How to decide which of the kids will look after them, handle their finances and receive various kinds of support from the other kids...?
It strikes me that most of us are facing these challenges now or will before long. If you are interested in sharing your experiences and insights about this, or asking questions of your classmates, comment below or email me. I have always thought this website could provide a worthwhile forum for such serious discussion.
In these photos, Julie shares one dimension of her experience with the death of her father. "I don't really have photos of me. So here are two tattoos that I got in the last year, to deal with my father's death. The book is in commemoration of the great bond my father and I shared with books. The owl is for myself, nearly a year after his death, to help me move forward in my life." Click on either photo to see it larger.
